It seems that even when I was pushing my memories down, living life like the multitude of hideous abuses which occurred in my childhood were not a part of my reality, that there were so many things that resonated with me so deeply, but made me feel so incredibly strange as to why they would.
It’s things like this give me those “Oh, yeah, that’s why I felt like that about that!” moments that seem to happen so very often in my life now. Partly they make me feel deeply sad as they are extra ‘proof’ that I am not just making this all up (because as guilty as it would make me feel, denial feels an easier place sometimes). But sometimes they make me feel calmer in knowing that I always knew and that these memories that have been flooding me this last year, or more, are not completely new and made up. Like some of my jigsaw pieces coming together.
A few months ago I was watching Forrest Gump for maybe the billionth time of my life when I realised why I always had such a feeling of connection and understanding with the character Jenny. The scene in the image above always made me feel deeply sad, every single time I watched it. Not just in the way other scenes in this film or other films make me feel sad, more like I was sad for myself and my life. And this always made me, well, confused I think.
I can’t remember the first time I watched this film. I was probably quite young. But I do remember that for the longest time, from being a child, I have needed to run into tall grass and hide. I don’t think I ever found any, but the need has been there. The last time I was watching the film when this all dawned on me, it was like every feeling I had experienced previously whilst I watched it clicked into place. From this scene to watching her throw rocks at his house to her battles with her life throughout the film; even as a child and/or a teenager I ‘knew’ this girl and my connection to it all just made so much sense.
Last night the phrase “make me a bird so I can fly far, far away” repeated around my mind. I even tried to post about it then but looking for this image on the internet felt too painful on top of everything else I was then feeling, on top of all of the memories I was trying to hide from and was feeling deeply sad about. But right now, as I was thinking about all of this and some of my recent memories, all I could think of doing was finding this scene: